Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
