he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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