she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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