you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
