My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
