Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
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