I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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