At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Mom said you looked used
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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