My liver just broke up with me...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
