when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
