he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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