I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
