you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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