i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So squirting runs in the family.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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