His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
