I think my vagina is haunted
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
