She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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