Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
