the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
