a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
