omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
