I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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