Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize