I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
