Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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