I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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