Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
