so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Terrible idea I love it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
