We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
