ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
