Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
