I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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