I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize