Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
