Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
two words...techno handjob
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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