I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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