I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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