I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
