I just threw up on my dentist
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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