That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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