i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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