ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
