i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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