So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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