i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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