He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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