she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize