i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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