Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize