Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
