so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
