My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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