Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
