He kissed a someone with a penis
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
