Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I could make wine with my vomit
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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