tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
