ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this beer tastes like vomit already
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
